Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.