This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it