COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Netflix and you sit over there.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal