Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
You Might Also Like
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.