Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
You Might Also Like
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
guys i’ve cracked the code