Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
How it started: How it’s going:
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Just a phase…
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Wikigenius
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.