@amishschool: Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include "mouth breathing".
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@jjhartinger: I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, "thank you baby jesus" and left.
@chuuew: SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side] ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I... hate... being... stabbed...
@Holy_Mowgli: [Pixar Studios] HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct? DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes