Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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the noise i just made
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
X-tra spooky blend
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere