Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Seek kebab; not attention
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”