coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
real
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him