[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
You Might Also Like
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then