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I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
is it earth
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.