@jonnysun: ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
@aveuaskew: In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist.
@Reverend_Scott: Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
@CineRobert: "Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I'm gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone."
@AmishPornStar1: Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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