@jonnysun: ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

@aveuaskew: In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist.

@Reverend_Scott: Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@CineRobert: "Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I'm gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone."

@AmishPornStar1: Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!