Super Hand Dog Face
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My life coach traded me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself