Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
good morning
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad