An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.