stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
my professor scared me for a second
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.