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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.