@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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@SPAC3CRAF: Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727...
@GoddessTitty: [Home invasion] Me: isn't there anything ELSE you want to take? Burglar: lady I told you I'm married
@dulcetry: I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it's cold" could you tell me more about that
@rodney_at_large: If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don't preface them with "and lastly".