@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"
@ilovepie84: I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait.
@BGH70: The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"