Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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ACED my prostate exam!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’m too immature for adultery.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal