*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.