WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Still a very good boi….
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.