Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed