coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
This sounds bad:
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?