coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
You Might Also Like
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Love this one 😂🧟
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES