The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
why no one uses midhusbands
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery