coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.