coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
constantly working on myself.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you