*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
This is a true ally.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?