#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
c’mon!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.