I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.