*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Breaking news:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.