*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
<—- homeless romantic
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.