COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
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[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.