Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Yep.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you