Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I have a black belt in leather
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
🤣😂
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
just got my engagement photos
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’