Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood