Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.