Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
The Weeknd is back
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
how it started vs how it ended
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*