coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.