Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.