Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
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We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”