coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
no regrets