coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
🔦🌙👣
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.