Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”