*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”