Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…