Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
2 years later
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Is your wife single?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Pat is about to own someone
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
fired
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk