Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
WHY?!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!