Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.