Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.