Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
You Might Also Like
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Meow
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan