Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Word!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
buys donuts instead
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.