BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I put the h in mysterious.