coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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congratulations to them
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
OH. COME. ON.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.