“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
😅😅😅
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I just love that new Pope smell.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes